To Better days.

Not a good day... Not a good day at all. I was doing alright for about 2 weeks and now I'm dipping back into the pit. I'm hoping I come back up again.

Epiphany

I had an epiphany today. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my heart and I'm going to be okay. Thanks to all my friends and family who lent me a shoulder to cry on. But most of all I thank GOD. The internal struggle was too much to bear at times and no matter what anyone said, I couldn't get past that. On the darkest days when I felt like I didn't have the strength to even breathe, god gave me the strength to push on. Anyone who knows me knows I'm not a super religious person but I will say I've always had faith. I've never been one to discount the belief in a higher power or intelligence, whether its one being, a collection of many, a spirit, the tao or karma- I don't know and I don't claim to but whatever god is and GOD definitely IS. He/she/it is great in my book. Faith truly does heal and I feel blessed to have experienced it.

Today is not such a good day.

It was getting a little bit easier by the day, just a little bit until that day I moved my stuff out. I thought "Now that I have nothing to go back home for, there will be no reason to come back to this place of hurt" but no. You had to tell me you still loved me and missed me. How do you think that made me feel? I am trying not to cling to any shreds of hope anymore and yet you continually say things to rekindle the spark. You KNOW I still love you, if you really don't want me to hold out any hope for us, stop telling me that you love me. I'm so confused and torn about the words you say versus your actions. Your actions don't emulate a person who loves, misses or even cares about me in the slightest, but your words say just that. You are lost, confused, ashamed and possibly even afraid of what you're becoming, and every day I feel like the man I fell in love with dies a little bit more. I know you'd say don't blame her. It has nothing to do with her, but that is as a much a lie as you telling me you love me. She is influencing you, an ego boost, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, but she knows nothing about you and her valued perspective is biased, whether you'd like to admit that or not. From the beginning she had an endgame, she is not just your friend. She wants you and she is taking the necessary steps in telling you all the things that pull you her way in the process. And you eat it up like a glutton for confidence. My pride may have pushed us apart before and even now I demand a level of respect from you, but your pride has outdone mine 100 times over. At least I can admit to my mistakes. You are spiraling ever downward and when you hit rock bottom I may not be there to pull you back up. I would like to be there, but I can't keep hurting myself in the process. I love you with all my heart, even though you are a different person, but you lack direction and you lack structure and you're confusing "freedom" with "self destruction" I really hope and pray every day that you will come to see this and understand how empty and foolish your actions are. Since we've been apart I've been able to see my mistakes and yours more clearly than ever but it appears you've only wandered deeper into the fog. What you're doing isn't helping you. I know you think this is what you want, and I, nor your mom, dad, sister, or any of your friends can tell you different at this point. It will have to run its course, but by the time that happens and you have nothing left, I pray that you remember who has your back. I can't promise when you hit rock bottom, I'll still be waiting to reconcile; but I can promise that you will always have a place in my heart, because you are my best friend and when you need a real friend to turn to. I'll try to be there.

1 Timothy 6:10

It's going to be alright.

Right? Heart = broken.