Fuck Yesterday
When we first met, I was a little taken with his accent and maybe I had some mild feelings for him at first. Outside of SL we were friends on Skype, and Ben was a cutie pie. He kinda reminded me of this guy:
I love SecondLife when I'm feeling the most financially unstable and depressed in my Real life. Something about being able to buy couture fashion and do things you naturally cannot afford, for cheap, really assuages my senses when I'm dirt poor. It's nice to go on and dress like a million bucks when I sometimes feel worthless... but SL can be a dark place too.
Ben and I used hang out at this welcome hub called Violet, with a bunch of social rejects. This particular spot was really overrun with spammers, anti-social idiots and basically the kind of people that are generally just a waste of oxygen. The ignorance was rampant to the point where if you had a knee-jerk reaction to the word "Nigger" whether you were white or black, the trolls would eat you alive. In short, of all the places to congregate on SL, this was by far the worst and usually where he could be found.
Why? I really couldn't tell you. For me, sometimes I'd dress to the nines and want to be seen. Since Secondlife is sparsely populated these days, Violet was just one place I knew there'd always be people there to see me being fleeky, plus I knew Ben. So whenever I'd go there after a long stint of not coming online (usually months, sometimes years in between) I'd basically go to find him and catch up.
We never got too close though. I learned from one of the douchebags in Violet, putting him on blast over the mic and telling everyone that he was xenophobic to the point where he rarely left the house, had a host of emotional, and psychological anxiety issues and depression for which he was seeking therapy. THESE people were just morally derelict to the point they would even say some shit like that, in all seriousness.
I wanted to get closer to him. I wanted him to trust me. I wanted to be a real friend to Ben and help him tackle his issues, but he wouldn't let me in. I didn't push too hard, fearing I'd push him away, because hanging out with those rejects lent him a very NASTY and aggressive attitude from time to time. But I already knew he was fucked up, so I was always nice to him. Even though they all knew him well, none of the many people who would congregate there regularly, called him a friend. They usually just talked shit about him, and I never understood why, because even when I heard him being kinda douchey, I thought everybody In Violet acted like that...so their little inner-circle of misery was like an inside joke to them.
I knew that Violet was a great place to go to ruin your day, so I tended to stay away from it. But over the years, whenever I'd visit from time to time, his avatar would still be there, even if he was AFK and I really considered him my oldest friend in Secondlife.
My most recent revival stint on SL can be dated back about 2-3 months, and as per usual, I went to Violet to check on Ben. It was eerily empty and silent. The zen garden suddenly seemed zen, without those ugly souls there to taint the atmosphere... He had changed his name/started over with a new account a few times before, so I knew it would be damn near impossible to find him if nobody was going to Violet anymore.
the secondary spot was called Korea...but that was different now, too.
Yesterday after a particularly well put-together outfit, I went to visit another welcome hub called Arapaima. Much like Violet, this is where the socially retarded flock to, to grief noobs and troll in abundance, and I recognized one familiar name: Alvina Belgar. I messaged her, teling her I remembered her and asking about what happened to Violet and if she still talked to any of the people who used to hang out there. She basically said "same shit, different location." in so many words, which was obviously true since some idiot was screaming "Nigger" over his mic in the open welcome area as we PM'd
I asked about Tristen- If she knew at this point what his name was, or where he was hanging out... and she told me:
"He's dead."
Initially, I thought it was a joke. I knew he had some problems and I knew a lot of people didn't like him, but dead? Really?
"He killed himself about a year and a half ago."
Still, in shock and denial, I asked how she knew. She went on to tell me one of the regulars from Violet had a relationship with him outside of SL and used to send him packages and whatnot... After not seeing or hearing from him for a while, she followed up and heard it from his mom, whom he was living with. He'd hung himself.
Talk about devastated... Ben was a year older than me, and other than his mental and emotional issues, in perfect physical health. Hell, he was even a cutie to boot, so I had a hard time yesterday, wrapping my head around his suicide. Though I can certainly understand why a person could be driven to it. I've had thoughts.
A person can be suffering despite being attractive and in the prime of their life if they get no respect and all the people they rely on treat them like trash. I can confirm, after being repeatedly told that, you kind of start to believe you hold no value, despite the fucking space you take up and the world, your family, your friends and everyone else would just be better off without you. I get it. I really do. But my struggle with that mentality is still in its early stages...how long will I have to suffer the outside forces of suppression before I'm overtaken in the same way?
I digress. This isn't even about me... I certainly wouldn't be one to subject myself to the tyranny of cyber bullies day in and day out on top of these problems, but if he already thought he was a piece of shit, perhaps he didn't even think he deserved better friends... It haunts me...
For all the reasons suicide leaves a hole in your heart...With those lingering questions echoing inside like: "What if I could've done something to prevent it." "Where was I when he needed me?"
In truth, there was nothing I could have done... It was up to him to want to change, and maybe it was just too much... the societal pressures on a 30 something blonde white male in Australia may have been too much for him... but I know his mom loved him more than mine loves me... they were doing what they could to try and get him help, and it's a fucking stab to the heart that she had to walk in and find him like that.
Do I blame him? Sure. But I didn't know the extent of his psychological damage, nor where it originated. Maybe I could have helped him, maybe not. But I do know, in the end, self-loathing and the promise of release from the pressures of society seemed welcoming enough to go through with it. Suicide is always hard, scary and never easy. But farbeit for anyone to tell somebody else they should cling to this life. Everyone always says suicide is selfish, but what's selfish is holding on to someone who is detached from reality while they continue to suffer.
So even if I don't agree with it and his parents are mourning the loss of a son who had the potential to be more than just a draining financial and emotional burden that he saw himself to be. He was brave to follow through, in his eyes, in his heart, and in his mind. I know he genuinely thought doing it was the most selfless thing he could do, because I understand it all got to be too much...
I can't claim to know why Ben, with all these kinds of problems would constantly subject himself to the psychological terror of Violet, but I'm happy I got to know him for the time he was in my life. To a person dying of cancer or struggling with some terminal and constant illness, he might seem selfish. But to me, you seem brave. I hope you finally find happiness, peace and contentment, even if you end up being reborn. If you're lucky maybe your afterlife is in the Metaverse and you're finally free flying around in Secondlife bliss. RIP Ben.
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