Fuck Today
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| The sea and me, salty as can fucking be. |
I'm in a bad place emotionally, today. I'm 31 years old, living with my aunt and uncle, trying desperately to find my place in this world. To most people it's as simple as "getting a job". I have had many jobs, and I don't mind hard work, however, there is always something that comes in between.
Most recently I was working for Lowe's as a Home Decor Customer Service Associate. While I was content to just show up to work and do my job every day and go home, there were evil people afoot whose only motivation was to be the architect of my downfall. I'm now coming to realize this is the way of the world. There will always be somebody hating from a distance, up close, or trying to throw rocks into my path. I don't understand the motive, but I do understand that I don't like rocks being thrown at me.
In the end, I confronted the bully directly. But instead of any support or righteous retribution, I ended up getting fired. It's a bit inconvenient. I obviously didn't see myself working at Lowe's forever, but those paychecks were my only source of income.
I have a penchant for being sassy, but I mainly keep to myself. Since I have this lone wolf self-validating-independence, insecure people take it as cockiness if their negative opinions about me are considered irrelevant. Nobody likes a know-it-all, but I take pride in my knowledge of facts, because every day I'm alive is a useful learning opportunity. That is what life means to me. I'm not hard-up to prove people wrong at every opportunity- but I have been cursed with some very toxic family members in my life, that I have, in all genuine honesty, tried to play therapist to. In no explicit detail, I can say after 31 years of being taught the golden rules, like: "Treat people the way you want to be treated, if you do good, good will come back to you, if you have nothing kind to say, it is better to say nothing at all, What goes around comes around, etc..."
My mother is a vehement hypocrite. I'm almost sure she was the one who taught me ethics and morality in the first place, yet her regressive behavior, contrary to, not only those few worldly truths, is markedly reprehensible. Our relationship is extremely strained, and without going into petty singular anecdotes about how she's always trying to find a way to subjugate me, insult my intelligence, or slander my name with complete fabrications to strangers and family alike, WHILE being as disgusting and abusive as emotionally and psychologically possible and deliberately rationalizing it all; I'm fed up.
For a long time, I just thought she wasn't being mean on purpose, but it takes a certain level of pre-meditated, conniving filth to come up with the shit she does, just to try and make me cry (it makes her feel powerful).
With all that being said, I can't tell her anything. Good or bad. Whenever I am sad, on days like today, it's like a field day for her ego. Her favorite hobby is to blame me for being born. She doesn't know empathy.
As heart-breaking as it is to be alienated from her just as a way to protect my heart, I can't rely on her, or any of my family members whatsoever to be supportive financially. But a little emotional support would be nice...
My artistic/creative talent is pretty much the only thing I have going for me as far as marketable skills are concerned and at this juncture in time, while baby boomers are still in charge of the economy, that isn't going to change anytime soon; but art is necessary.
Not all art is good. Propaganda for example, can do a lot of damage. But to cut creativity out of the academic curriculum of the general population or to cut funding and budgets for anything that a sense of "class" or "taste" can be measured by, is nothing short of uncivilized.
I am not lazy and I'm not a person who doesn't finish what I start. But so far, all my goals that have been met, go largely unrecognized and no real monetary profit have come of them. It's not as simple as me going and being a cog in someone else's corporate machine. I've tried and failed at that more times than anything else, and the reason that keeps happening is because that's not my place. But I'm not sure where my place is...
My aunt and uncle (mainly my uncle) is finding it hard to live with me. Mainly because I keep to myself. I think he wants to be closer to me, but I find him to be boring and irrelevant to talk to. I don't mind chit-chat if there's a point to it, but what I do mind is conversations about absolutely nothing. For example:
"Hey Rhon, can you come here for a second?"
I go up the stairs to the kitchen.
"Have you eaten today?"
"Yes, I ate earlier."
"Well you should eat something."
*internal screaming*
________________________
"Hey Rhon!" he calls me while petting the cat, "What did she say?"
I'm confused.... I think the question is rhetorical... Don't know how to answer...say nothing.
"What she say, Rhon?"
He's asking like he expects an answer.
"Uhm...she's a cat."
________________________
"Hey Rhon, once you get to be my age, you can leave work early." he laughs goofily as if this is funny "because of Seniority."
"Oh."
"Seniority." he repeats "Sen-yor-i-ty" over and over, like I'm fucking retarded, so I play dumb for once.
"Oh you mean like a senior citizen?"
"No, not like that, uh.."
"You mean like a senior in high school?"
"No... uhm...like..." but this has already taken too long, I just wanted a choco-pop from the freezer, and was not expecting to have a 30 minute conversation about the new word he learned today. Better wrap it up so I can go back to doing anything but this bullshit.
"Oh you mean like, you've been there for a long time?" HUUURRRDUUUUUURRRRRRRRR
"Yeah..." he says it almost disappointedly.
I don't care that he's boring. I just want to keep our conversations short and cordial since he's literally 1-dimensional. I've tried having a conversation with him ONCE. All he talked about was how much he missed living in California, I actually tried too. I told him about my time living there and where I worked, and my friends. But his entire side of the conversation was just
"Yeah. I sure do miss it out there."
I'm not exaggerating. So I assumed he's run out of shit to talk about and to my understanding of social interaction, That's when you end a conversation, right? But I'm really trying to be social so I ask an open-ended question to try and bring the convo back around.
"Well have you ever thought about going back?"
"No...but I sure do miss it..."
"Okay good talk." I proceed to force myself to walk away, so as not to look to eager to get the FUCK away from this moron, lest his idiocy is contagious.
It doesn't help that the way he forms words GRATES on the nerves. He almost has kind of a lisp over this
There was one instance in my childhood that he considers really heartfelt and touching; He brings it up all the time:
"Remember when you were kids, outside playing and one day you came running in here and said 'uncle I'm hungry' and I made you guys those hot dogs?"
No. Not really. Actually I think that might've been my younger sister but he seems so content with that nostalgic memory, I don't dare disappoint him.
"Yeah."
"Yeah. I'll never forget that"
That you made us hotdogs? That's the best you can do? That's the most uncle/niece heartfelt memory of me that you have? That shit don't even sit right. Hot dogs, huh? Yeah, okay.
So all that being said. I stay in the basement. They almost never come down here, I even think it creeps them out a little bit. It's old and unfinished. My grandma and uncle died in this house and they tend to just not ever come down here, YET, me staying here is a constant reason for discontent. He said I made him uncomfortable...
Now I get sometimes people wanna walk around butt ass naked and having a guest doesn't grant you the same freedom. But I'm not a guest. I have nowhere else to go. I certainly wouldn't be here if I did, and it's just really fucking annoying that he keeps picking at me like a scab because he has no hobbies or skills that occupy his mind or time rather than picking the same 3 notes on the guitar from time to time, rather than actually learning how to play.
I have projects... None of them are any guarantee of money. When I wrote and self published my book, that was a milestone for me...but I made like 8 dollars from it. When I took all that time building my Legendaery website and getting it EXACTLY how I wanted it. No money came from that either. And now it's gone, for weird, inexplicable, twilight zone reasons, it was taken down after 8 months of non-payment. It's really mysteriously strange how all of a sudden, after damn near a YEAR of not paying on my domain or hosting, without any notification it SUDDENLY went down and cost 200 bucks to get back up. Wouldn't that have happened after one month of not paying?
I'm being throttled and silenced. I know that. I can't prove it, because my enemies are invisible to the naked eye, but they work through people. People who probably work at the NSA or some shit. My site was *STARTING* to get serious. underneath the cutesy Avatar fashion photoshoots, my articles were about sustainability and revolutionary self-realization, then, one day, all of a sudden it just wasn't there anymore.
It's hard not to get exhausted, playing the same fucking game over and over again. I feel the weight of the chains on me. My debt, my family, my government, all weighing me down. Freedom ain't free, and you can't get something for nothing. But the something anyone is willing to barter is always my dignity. Not my intellect, writing or design skills. Just my self-respect. And THAT is because even the people with the most material wealth are fucking insecure... but since they can buy everything else, they tend to think if they can buy a person's self-esteem. That temporary high in feeling superior (just because that money can make people compete and clamor over one another to do anything for it) it's like a narcotic to them. My skills as an artist are definitely for sale, My innovative ideas are too. But my pussy is a trap. Nobody should want to pay to be enslaved and if they do, they certainly are not qualified to be anyone's boss or leader. So just save me the irritation and just pay me to be YOUR boss if you are so inclined to be my subordinate anyway. Cut out the lust and make some real fucking money.
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